Munitions or Munitions?
by Iliya Moroumetz
Summary: When Mess Sergeant Gardner is on sick leave, a relative is called in to take over his duties for the time being. One-Shot.


In the mess hall, the lack of Mess Sergeant Gardner was felt.

Here they were, in the last half of the 22nd Century and they still couldn't find a cure for Stomach Flu.

After three days of military rations, everyone came to the conclusion that another Mess Sergeant was needed. Badly.

While some of the crew members had some experience in the culinary arts, none of them had the expertise Gardner had. However, the rest of the crew had the good sense to be more conscientious about the maintenance of the ship when it came to cleaning.

"So," Garrus said as he dragged the pail and powermop back to the compartment where they belonged, "when's Gardner's replacement coming in?"

Jacob winced and quickly corrected, "substitute's the word you're looking for and he was recommended by Gardner himself. He was transported to the Citadel and via an anonymous carrier. Cerberus personnel transfers are often done this way to avoid suspicion."

Garrus cocked an eyebrow. "Do we know anything else?"

"Well, he's Gardner's estranged brother's uncle's cousin's in-law's best friend, twice removed. Other than that, a pretty standard portfolio for a chef," Jacob said with a shrug.

Garrus gave his compatriot a half-humored smile, "Well, that already puts him in better terms with me than Gardner. Perhaps he may be able to cook something that Tali and I can actually eat."

Jacob chuckled, "One can only hope."

* * *

Miranda nodded cordially to him, "Glad to have you aboard, uh-"

"Niklas," the newcomer to the ship said with a notably European accent. He was short, stout, and rather hairy, with a considerable mustache and eyebrows that covered his eyes.

"Niklas. You have your responsibilities and schedule. The mess hall is now yours."

The temporary Mess Sergeant nodded in appreciation and waddled over to the kitchenette to prepare lunch.

* * *

"Commander, there appears to be an altercation in the Mess Hall," EDI said as her image popped up beside Shepard's console.

"What? Who's fighting?" Jane asked, confused.

"The new Mess Sergeant and Officer Vakarian."

"Huh. What are they arguing about?"

The AI paused. "It would be best if you saw for yourself."

Jane already had an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach.

*ELEVATOR MUSIC*

"For the last time; no!" Garrus growled to the considerably smaller human.

Niklaus began to sputter angrily at the Turian with the pan in his hand slamming on the counter, with only a few words here and there being understood as Jane approached.

"What seems to be the problem here?"

Niklas turned to the commander and spoke in an unusual dialect that the universal translator had a hard time understanding. However, Jane was able to get the gist of it.

"Niklas, I hate to break this to you, but turians don't lay eggs."

The Mess Sargeant was visibly shocked at the revelation.

"So, that means you're going to have to use the powdered ones we have in storage until we hit the Citadel."

Niklas huffed as Garrus gave him a triumphant smirk.

His smirk was answered with the flat surface of the pan to his face.

* * *

"Kelly, you hear that?" Shepard asked from her console to the yeoman.

The younger woman paused and concentrated her hearing on the intermittent sounds of something hitting the floor beneath them.

"EDI, is that sound coming from where I think it's coming from?" Shepard asked the AI.

"Yes, commander," EDI replied.

Jane inclined her head to the elevator, which Kelly nodded in response.

*ELEVATOR MUSIC*

The sounds of several crew members screaming assaulted their ears as they saw Crewman Patel scrambling for the crew's quarters. Both women ran out of the elevator to see several small fast objects bounding every direction.

Jane pulled out her pistol and took cover as several small dark brown blurs flew past her head. Her enhanced senses allowed her to take aim and shoot one of the offending objects. The small object exploded within a few moments, Jane could not help but notice the smell and taste of meat and tomato sauce.

When the chaos died down, Kelly picked up a small sphere that had landed by her and held it up to Shepard.

"A meatball?"

Niklas' amused chuckles answered any unasked question.

* * *

"Commander!" Miranda screeched into the comm.

With a frown, Jane turned on her console, already having an idea as to what was going on.

"What's wrong, Miranda?"

"Mess Hall! Now!" the XO screamed.

Jane held her head as a migraine started to come on.

*THAT FRICKN' ELEVATOR MUSIC!*

"I've fallen up and I can't get down!" Miranda cried a singularity held her pinned to the ceiling.

Jane's jaw dropped as she bore witness to the sight of no less than a dozen miniature singularities in the mess hall which sent all manner of personnel and objects, every which way.

"NIKLAS!" Shepard roared.

* * *

Two weeks later...

Mess Sergeant Gardner found it rather awkward that every time he dished someone food, there were no complaints, no quips, no jokes, no nothing. There was only gratitude, and in a few cases, prostrations and apology. He had an idea as to why, but he figured that it'd be best if he kept it to himself.

* * *

In a kitchen in Sweden...

Niklas danced happily with his cooking utensils as he sang, "Eyyy, borskö döö oom gadishkadoo." He then set his blunderbuss and crossbow, if the souffle tried to float away again, aside and continued to sing, "Eyy borskör dör dö oom, Bork Bork Bork!"

From the chicken on the other side of the kitchen clucked happily along and as Niklas reached under the feathers of the bird. Instead of an egg, as he would have hoped, he found a small bomb with the fuse lit.

"Ish ter dem dör böm-"

*KABOOM!*

In another part of the world, a crotchety old man turned to his friend and said, "I heard that the chef there used to be on an amazing ship as its Mess Sergeant."

The other man cocked an eyebrow, "Really? What kind of joker would hire a hack like him?"

The first man replied quickly, "An unfunny one!"

There was much laughter.

The End

* * *

Note: Be it known that for every elevator sequence, a muzak version of "Girl from Ipanema" is playing. So, no. They haven't gotten rid of that song, even in the 22nd Century.


End file.
